What All Children Need

Last week in my blog, I discussed three things that all children regardless of age need to be successful. Those three things are connection, safety and direct teaching. As promised, I have expanded on each of those topics below.

The first thing that all children need is connection! Children regardless of age need connection with their parents and/or caregivers. Connection includes eye contact, presence, touch and a playful attitude. Children want to be seen, they want to be heard and most importantly they want to be understood. Look for opportunities every day to connect with your child(ren). This connection can be accomplished in a variety of ways. Here are the ways I incorporate the four components of connection with my children:

Presence/Eye Contact:

With older children, presence includes not just being in the room with your child(ren) but making eye contact and actively listening. When my child or children are having a conversation with me, I assure that my phone is put away and that I am sitting in close proximity. Whether I agree or disagree with their perspective, I give them the opportunity to share without judgement (direct teaching can take place later). In addition, supporting them in their endeavors whether that be clubs, sporting events or band is of utmost importance. As parents, we must be present for activities that are important to our children. Being present does not just mean sitting in the stands looking at our phones, it means watching the event, cheering and being engaged in their activities.

Playful Attitude- I love sharing funny memes with my children. We laugh all the time, poke fun at one another and most importantly have fun. Take the time to complete activities with your child(ren). Actively participate in the activities they enjoy. My oldest son loves to play basketball and while it is not a favored activity for me, I enjoy spending time with him and he enjoys razzing me about my lack of skill. My youngest son plays percussion in the band and he enjoys watching me embarrass myself by attempting to learn his movements on the field. Regardless of your skill level, PARTICIPATE! This allows me time to connect with my teenagers and they are more likely to include me in conversations about school, relationships, and their lives when I do so!

Touch- When children are very young, as parents, we naturally provide more touch. As children become older, they may not wish to be hugged or touched as they were when they were younger. However, touch can include high-fives, fist bumps, or even a special handclap greeting or goodbye. Each of my teenagers has a preferred method of touch including a fist bump, high five and hug. I can respect their boundaries, but still sustain a connection through a different form of touch.

The second thing all children need is safety! Safety includes creating boundaries, expectations, and a place where children can share their thoughts and feelings. In our home, my husband and I have sat down with our teenagers and conducted a family meeting to discuss the expectations and boundaries of the household including chores, automobiles, and curfew among other things. The expectations and boundaries have been agreed upon as a whole family, thus limiting the “I didn’t know.” We have also discussed taking ownership of the “Oops!” moments each one of us have.

In addition, it is important that you create a safe space in your home when your children are experiencing big feelings. It can be a physical place or it can just be you! I have been my children’s safe place on many occasions. For instance, my daughter just recently experienced a rough patch with a friend. She came to me asking for advice on how to approach the friend and how she could repair the severed relationship. I have found that sharing my own experiences with my teenagers has been extremely helpful. Using language such as, “You were hoping…” or “That must be difficult.” helps my children feel heard and thus safe in sharing personal experiences and information with me. I cannot stress how important it is to create this safety, as teenagers often need to discuss things, but feel their parents cannot relate, thus they go to friends who may not provide the best information or advice.

The last thing that all children need is direct teaching! Believe it or not, children’s brains and ability to utilize their prefrontal lobe does not occur until the age of 25 or older. The prefrontal lobe is the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and evaluating consequences of a decision. It is our job as parents to lend our prefrontal lobes to our children. This includes instructing children after they have made a mistake. As parents, we often look to punish our children for their inability to make effective decisions rather than teach them a better way. When a child makes a mistake, it is important to discuss how they could approach the situation differently the next time. This approach allows the child to place a new “tool” in their toolbox, thus building their problem-solving skills.

As a parent, we are going to have our fair share of “Oops!” moments. Remember that you cannot punish yourself for the skills you are still developing. We are developing our skills just as our children are! Early on in our family meetings regarding curfew, my husband and I thought the expectations had been clear with our daughter. However, we quickly learned that our daughter had interpreted our expectations differently. After the first missed curfew, we revisited the expectations, came to a new agreement, and checked for understanding. All of us were able to add new “tools” to our problem-solving toolbox that day! Mistakes are opportunities to learn!

In the words of Maya Angelou, “Do the best you can until you know better. When you know better, do better!” You’ve got this!

Wishing you well,

Jill